SHALVA Dispels Myths, Helps Abused Women

When a woman walks through SHALVA's doors, she's what clinical director Barbara Siegel calls a "shadow of herself."

"I feel as though I am talking to a ghost," Siegel said. "They are just not there."

These women don't share the stereotypical characteristics of victims of domestic abuse. Many have college degrees, lakefront homes and what appears to be a loving family. They're also all Jewish.

But what Siegel has learned over the past 14 years is that domestic violence doesn't discriminate.

"The women that we see look like people that you and I know," said Siegel, a Highland Park resident. "It's always shocking."

The Jewish myth

SHALVA was started in 1986 to assist women in Chicago's Orthodox Jewish community suffering from domestic violence. The nonprofit quickly expanded when its founders realized the problem afflicted the Jewish community as a whole. Now it assists Jewish women throughout Chicagoland, with 15 percent to 20 percent of its clients coming from the North Shore.

"There's the myth that Jewish men don't do this, would never do drugs or drink or hurt their wives or children," Siegel said. "That is a myth that has kept us quiet."

On Thursday, SHALVA celebrates its 25th anniversary with a dinner honoring 20 people who have had major effects on the community and domestic violence issues.

Siegel will also unveil the organization's 18-month study of domestic violence in the Jewish community. Done with the assistance of researchers from the University of Chicago, the study examines 25 years of SHALVA case files to reveal some startling statistics. For example, one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

"The study dispels the myth that it's not happening," Siegel said.

Abused women face 'functional poverty'

The research also addresses the obstacles facing women who want to get out of an abusive relationship. There are often religious and cultural barriers, in addition to financial. According to Siegel, some husbands refuse to grant their wives a Get, a document that effects a divorce in Jewish law. Without it, religious women cannot remarry. 

Siegel also said that many victims of domestic violence are in functional poverty, where they appear to be financially stable but actually have little to call their own.

"They don't have access to the money to get any sort of legal or financial assistance," Siegel said. "And that's why we don't charge for services."

The biggest barrier preventing women from leaving an abusive relationship is fear of what will happen to them once they leave.

"These abusers have been saying all along, 'If you leave me, I will take the children; I will take the house. You will be penniless,' " Siegel said.

According to Siegel, few lawyers want to take divorce cases involving abusive relationships because these women "are ready to compromise." Their abusers, she said, are much more aggressive in court.

"Guys have gone into court and spent $10,000 to fight over that painting in the living room that costs about $600," Siegel said. "Some of these men don't care if they've gone through every penny if just to say, 'I won.'"

A holistic approach

SHALVA's services include counseling, group meetings for abuse victims, legal assistance and interest-free loans. This "holistic approach," in Siegel's words, attempts to transition women from "victim to survivor to thriver." It's often a lengthy process.

"It takes time to mourn the loss of the family you thought you were going to have," Siegel said.

The decision to call SHALVA is not an easy one to make. Sometimes it doesn't happen until a victim sees her children copying their father's behavior.  Siegel recalled a son who put a knife to his mother's throat. Another woman had her arm broken by her child.

When Siegel first sits down with women who seek help, she asks them what they do for themselves that is separate from their families.

"They look at me like, 'What are they talking about?' " Siegel said. "They can't name anything."

Helpful rabbis

The use of SHALVA's services has doubled in the past two years. Last year, 285 people came through agency's doors. Though they were almost entirely women, Siegel says they get at least one call a year from a man. She attributes the increase to a larger outreach effort, facilitated by more cooperation with leaders in the Jewish community.

"In 1986, very few rabbis would refer to us," Siegel said. "Now, in 2011, a large percentage of rabbis refer to us."

According to Siegel, more than 60 percent of the abuse reported by domestic violence victims is verbal, emotional and psychological.  At least 38 percent is physical, she said, while some women experience both.

There's also financial abuse where, for example, a husband will leave town for two weeks without giving his wife any money to take care of herself. Some husbands make their wives carry dime-sized GPS trackers to monitor their whereabouts, Siegel said, while other victims have the mileage on their cars monitored by their husband.

"The women that we see, their husbands are very smart," Siegel said. "They're doctors, lawyers, presidents of synagogues."

Recently, Siegel has seen an increase in women coming to SHALVA who are younger and unmarried. It's a development that makes it easier for these women to leave their relationships, since there are no children or divorce courts to worry about.

"That's exciting," Siegel said. "That's where we want it to be."

SHALVA's 25th Anniversary Dinner is March 3 at 5:30 p.m. at the Hyatt Regency Chicago. Individual tickets are $180. For more details or to purchase tickets, visit www.shalvaonline.org or call 773-583-4673.