Realize Your Emotional Intelligence and Communicate Better

The relationships we create with each other are solely based on the ability we have to communicate our ideas, thoughts, feelings and needs. In a world where mental intelligence is highly appreciated, being emotional intelligent is seen as less important. And yet, the breakdown of relationships of any kind is the lack of understanding and cultivating emotional intelligence. 

What does it mean to be emotionally intelligent? Simply put, it means that we have the ability to know how others feel.

Knowing how others feel implies that we are in touch with our own feelings. By the way, it’s okay for humans to feel the whole array of emotions, ranging from anger all the way to happiness. In fact, it’s imperative to the art of communication to own our emotions. If we don’t, we are in danger of projecting them on others, a sure recipe for ill-fated relationships.

Knowing or sensing how others feel helps us to avoid generalizing, judging, making assumptions that can lead to vilifying others or victimizing ourselves. It means that we are able to properly assess the actions of others through the prism of their unmet needs. Human beings are wired towards satisfying their basic needs as safety and love. When those needs are not met, most human beings will start demanding. Making demands on others is a sure way of closing the door to communication.

Being emotionally intelligent means that we learn to listen to what others say or do, with the heart, not only with the ear. For example, let’s imagine that Jack and Jill are in a relationship. It is Friday night and Jack is getting ready to go out with his friends. Jill, tired of spending Friday nights alone says infuriated, “I don’t want you to go out with the guys so much!” In anger, Jack turns around and says, “You can’t tell me what to do with my free time!” What really happened here? Who’s right and who’s wrong in this situation?

In the example above, Jill’s intention was to express her need for intimacy, but she comes off as demanding and controlling. She is inadvertently communicating her insecurities in an immature way. If Jack would be emotionally intelligent, he would pick up on the message she is desperately trying to communicate. But in most cases, people are not aware of their inner motivations, so they allow their insecurities to rule their behavior and react in a way that has the potential to destroy instead of build. Sadly, Jack reacts out of the need to protect his autonomy, another basic need that humans always try to fulfill. 

Listening with the heart instead of the ear is a process that teaches us how to tune in and discover our own needs. The more we do that, the more we become a natural at sensing with our whole being the needs of others. Understanding and valuing our own needs will help us understand and value the needs of those we come in contact with. Therefore, the ability to assess how we and others feel is the key to the art of relationships and communication. Please, become aware that behind any intimidating message, individuals with unmet needs are trying to appeal to us to contribute to their own well-being!

Let’s create a different scenario for Jack and Jill. It is Friday night and Jack wants to go out with the guys. Kindly, he tells Jill that he wants to go out. Jill takes the opportunity to tell Jack, “For the past few weeks you are choosing to spend time with your friends every Friday night. I want you to have a good time, but I feel that your friends are becoming more important to you than our relationship. Every time you go out on a Friday night I feel sad that you are leaving. I am looking forward to Friday night to spend time with you…I missed you so much the whole week!” 

Jack, being emotionally intelligent, responds to Jill, “I had no idea that I am causing you pain when I go out with the guys. I appreciate you telling me how you feel about it. Your needs are important to me.” Jill, seeing the care in Jack’s eyes, with empathy says, “Would it be okay if we compromise and you spend one Friday a months with the guys and the other three together?” Jack, because he cares for Jill, agrees to the Jill’s terms. 

I might be painting an idealistic portrait of what relationships are. But I believe it’s possible if people are willing to see relationships from the point of view of understanding their own and others needs. In his book, Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life, author Marshal Rosenberg advises us to stop and pose these simple questions: “What is this person feeling? How am I feeling in response to this person, or what needs of mine are behind my feelings?”

It takes emotional intelligence to be aware of our feelings and needs, as well as the feelings and needs of others. It requires the ability to put yourself in other people’s shoes and experience what they feel, and it takes self-love to express with compassion our own needs.

No longer interpreting others' actions as attacks or lack of care, but as an attempt to fulfill their own needs, will instantly create better relationships with those we love and work with in the community.