Protecting Our Children From Sexual Exploitation

Since the incident that permeated Penn State University, many people have asked me to write about the issue of grooming-- how it happens and how to protect against it.

I freely admit I am not an expert-- especially in this area. I do, however, have first hand knowledge in my personal life that allows me draw upon it as a resource. This is an issue that is very important to me and I believe all parents, care givers and adults should be aware of it. We are the protectors of our young; we should best prepare to do that.

Let me start by giving you some numbers:

• The median age for reported sexual abuse is 9 years old.
• 30-40% of children are abused by family members.
• 1 in 5 children are sexually solicited while on the internet.
• Approximately 20% of the victims of sexual abuse are under age eight.

Here's what the predators do

When you hear of grooming, the image that comes to mind of a normal person is personal care; hair, skin, face etc. But in the world of predators grooming actually refers to a deliberate action with the aim of befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child. The purpose is to lower the child’s inhibitions in preparation for sexual activity with the child or to exploit the child.

The act of grooming is a process that does not happen quickly. Generally child sexual abuse occurs at the hands of someone personally close and well known to the child. That actual abuse is typically preceded by grooming.

The process of grooming begins by the predator picking a target area. He may visit places where children are likely to go: schools, shopping malls, playgrounds, parks, and the like. He may work or volunteer at businesses that cater to children, such as what Sandusky is alleged to have done. Other predators will strike up relationships with adults who have children in the home—single parent families make particularly good targets. In these tough economic times, having someone help with child care or babysitting makes adults with children even easier targets.

The next step is selecting the victim. While there is not a single profile of a victim of child sexual abuse, as any child can be victimized, many predators target children that have obvious vulnerabilities. A child who is a loner, isolated, who desires attention, will reach out for that attention like a sponge to water. Children with family problems, those in particular who spend time alone and unsupervised, may be targets. Children who lack self-esteem, confidence and who are isolated from their peers become likely targets.

A child who feels unloved and unpopular will soak up adult attention. Children with family problems, who spend time alone and unsupervised, who lack confidence and self-esteem, and who are isolated from their peers are all likely targets. The goal of targeting teens with obvious issues is two fold; first, it’s easier to desensitize a child with these issues. Secondly, building trust and confidence while increasing the target child’s isolation is imperative. The entire goal of the predator is to desensitize your child into accepting sexual abuse.

Predators engage or "recruit" their victims in different ways. Many use a combination of forced teaming and charm. They may offer to play games, give rides, or buy treats and gifts as tokens of friendship. They may offer drugs or alcohol to older children or teenagers, as John Wayne Gacy did in the late 1970’s. The predator may try to win a parent's confidence by offering support by having a quick conversation with you about a lie the child told or by suggesting that there is something unbalanced about your child.

Towards the targeted child they will almost always offer a sympathetic, understanding ear. Using the lines such as, “Your parents don't understand or respect you? I do.” “Other kids make fun of you? I know what that's like—it was the same way for me when I was your age.” Nobody trusts you? Boy, I know what that's like—your parents never really want you to grow up. But I trust you. I respect you.”  

Successful predators find and fill voids in a child's life.

The predator’s goal is to promote secrecy at some point during the grooming process. The secrecy binds the victim to the predator: "Here's some candy. But don't tell your friends because they'll be jealous, and don't tell your mother because she won't like you snacking between meals." As the process continues the secrecy joins hands with threats: "If you tell your mother what happened, she'll hate you. It'll kill her. Or I'll kill her. Or I'll kill you."

Ultimately the process used by the predator creates that emotional bond which through grooming leads to physical contact. Predators use the grooming process to break down a child's defenses and increase the child's acceptance of touch. The first physical contact between predator and victim is often nonsexual touching designed to identify limits: They may even tell an inappropriate joke to the targeted child, a touch on an upper arm that lingers a little too long or a kiss on the lips to test whether your child is likely to tell on them. If the predator is satisfied that your child won’t tell, the predator moves on to other forms of inappropriate touching. It breaks down inhibitions and leads to more overt sexual touching—the predator's ultimate goal.

How to recognize it

The best way to recognize grooming behavior is to pay attention to your child and the people in your child's life. Because children have not developed mentally to the point in which they fear people, or can intuit their intentions or have sufficient experience to support their beliefs, it is an adult's responsibility to protect children.  The demands that are placed upon them, should never – ever- be more important than the welfare of a child. When we surrender responsibility for them to others without question, we invite trouble, particularly when that trust or responsibility is blindly given. Parents should know their child's teachers, coaches, day care providers, youth group leaders, and other significant adults in their lives. Make unannounced visits. Ask questions. Stay involved.

The organization Darkness to Light which seeks to protect young people from abuse through education and awareness, offers these seven steps to protecting children from sexual abuse. They have an excellent handout on these steps to help protect children.

1. Learn the facts
2. Minimize the opportunity
3. Talk about it
4. Stay alert
5. Make a plan
6. Act on suspicions
7. Get Involved 

Wrapping it up                                

Lastly —talk to your children. Teach them to recognize grooming behavior. Teach them to be wary of any physical contact initiated by an adult. And teach them to trust you with their problems and their pain. The safest child is the child who knows he can bring his problems and concerns to parents and adult caregivers without reproach or retaliation.